I am currently in transition. Professional and physical. And in honor of being in transition, I am also taking a bit of a sabbatical. This is new for me. It’s taken me a good month to settle into. You would think that having the “gift of time” would be a fabulous, and EASY thing to be with….and for me, it is only NOW just starting to become so.
I was raised to believe that hard work (and being able to take care of yourself) is what is important in life. This is in part because I was raised in what I now refer to as “survival mode”. My father was disabled when I was 8 and I am one of 5 kids, so long arduous story short…I was told in my senior year of HS that as soon as I graduated, that I needed to immediately get an entry level job in a good corporation with full benefits, and to start paying room & board. And so at 18, I did. Not complaining, this is what our family situation called for. From there, I’ve worked 2 or 3 jobs at a time for most of my life and by the grace of god, I’ve always been successful at what I’d chosen to do. And I’ve always had fun.
Fast forward MANY years, a ton of stress (lol) and two great, almost grown, kids later….and I find myself at midlife with time to reflect on my life, both past experiences and future possibilities. You would think that having the resources to finally take a few months off the hamster wheel of life would be a happy joyous, gleeful time…..and yet, it took me a month to settle into! My worry gremlins were all over my ass saying things to me like “what the hell are you doing!?”, “you cant afford to do this!”, “you’re a big nobody!” “who ARE you!?” “Get back to work and do it NOW!” “You’re lazy!” “You’re a slacker!” “You’re getting fatter by the minute!” (that one is actually true….my advice to anyone who enters this transition place….KEEP MOVING your body even when you dont know where you are going in life! This is especially important for us women who are hitting midlife…. I am not sure who’s body that IS when I look in the mirror because it sure doesn’t look familiar to me…and that is a whole different post for another day. LOL)
Anyway, I spent the 1st month of this precious gift of time deeply steeped in the worry zone. Worried about the future. Worry, worry and more worry…about everything “unknown”. This came as a surprise to me, as I have always been a great crisis manager. Anything that could possibly happen in life…DID, and I could handle it! I know now, that this way of thinking and living was about survival, and while it’s great to be skilled in this area, it is NOT the same thing as being …..or living with ease…..especially, in the complete unknown. THIS is a way of being, that is new to me. I DO have an deep inner knowing that I’ve got full trust and faith in the universal unknown, and yet my intellect has trouble with it.
Becoming more present to my life and everything in it, I decided would be something to explore….while residing in this “gift of time” space. Hmmmmm. What would that require?
First off, I decided that it would require a laptop-ectomy. I no longer turn on my 5th appendage early in the morning. I come first. Meaning my morning rituals, and a cup of coffee withmy husband before he and my daughter leave the house. This gave me back about 5 hours a day or so it seems. (SO distracting is the web, with email and facebook and twitter….geez! We can easily become e-stressed while hiding from our realities THERE for hours! Come to think of it, I could likely become a millionaire by just creating a 12 step program around e-addiciton!….and this again, is a complete different post)
The second thing I decided to do, was to get OUTSIDE more. Simply taking a walk, is a great way to re-ground ourselves. And it’s free. (that was for my money gremlin!) Another benefit of taking a walk, is that we can engage in HUMAN CONNECTION! This is essential for our well being, and I dont care what anyone says, you dont get HUMAN connection from the internet. (interactions or more appropriately transactions yes, but true connection, NO)
And, finally….what has REALLY brought my awareness to the true gift of complete presence (in my “gift of time” space)…..is Batman. Batman is a 9 week old Shih Tzu. (hell, my eggs are dead, may as well BUY a baby!) He is SO damn cute and precious. And he requires my complete attention. And while I’ve had dogs in my past, I have never has this kind of time…to devote to a puppy. I am feeling gleeful. What I am finding interesting is that I can be focused on him, AND be at peace around where my life is right now. He is this little precious being…. unconditional love, with sharp tiny teeth. He is a great companion. (I am spending WAY more time outside!) He is not a distraction around my contemplating my future….AND he is the catalyst for me stepping more fully into precence at this time in my life. I am completely engaged in his care and training and just loving him up. NO time to worry about the opinions of my damn gremlins! All of those “you should be doing something!” messages….have WAY less of an effect on me now. I am currently enjoying this wonder of life. And, I am currently good with the unknowns of my future.
And….IN the future, when Batman will require slightly less of me and I move forward in my life….I’ll have a little companion to enjoy the journey with me! Note to self: Shop for a doggy seat belt, ….it’s going to be quite a ride!
(my camera wont upload to my computer at the moment….picture of Batman to follow. He is black and white with a black “batman-like” mask, hence his name)